< philosophising >

Have you ever been in complete silence, absolute complete silence, maybe bar the sound of your TV in an opposite room, or somebody quietly chattering on the phone, and just laid there and listened to your own heart beat in your ears? Nothing runs through your mind at all except the repetive sound of tha-thump... tha-thump... tha-thump... You can listen to it for hours on end in complete silence. Not a thought will pass your mind until an hour or so later... or minutes... or if you just can't lay there for that long, you could listen for a few secoinds and feel completely different. I don't know what would pass through your mind, But I've laid here for 2 hours straight. 2. HOURS. It was 7:30 when I laid on my bed. And at 9:30 I've began to write this. This is what I thought.

"Could I hold my breath for long enough, to--" this sentence probably doesn't need finishing.

tha-thump... tha-thump... tha-thump......

I'm not angry. I'd never attempt it. I've tried it once before. But caved. A last moment when a rope was round a tree. I shouldn't be alive as I type this. It may sound EMO, but it's true. When I was born, I lasted a few moments and died. My heart stopped for 1 or 2 minutes flat. But my brain still showed that it was working. A few seconds after those nightmareish minutes passed by, the heart monitor started to beep again. I question my existance. Should I be here?

At one point we all question life and philosophise. If you don't, you should. It will give you a better outlook on life. Make sure you enjoy it. Because it won't last forever.

tha-thump...... tha-thump...... tha--.........

I moved on from thinking of my existance, to depression, to self-harm. All thought. Not action. I wondered for a little while why exactly people do it. And these are some examples which I came up with:

*Attention Seeking - A lowly and horrible way to gain the looks and remarks of others. This is not clever. It's not funny either. And it's not cool. It is better to have no attention than to have negative attention. Symapthy from idiotic morons who cannot see through your guise isn't... SHOULDN'T be rewarding. The only medals you get are scars and bruises. Get a life, you cum buckets.

*Pleasure - Now, I'm not only a sadist (One who takes pleasure in others' pain) but also a masochist. I find pleasure in my own pain sometimes. But I don't take this too far. Doing this carelessly could end up with you getting seriously hurt. If you are a masochist and do harm yourself for enjoyment (Whether it be sexual or not) don't go crazy and drive a knife through your hand just because you get a warm, happy feeling. Keep it minimum.

*Anger - Some people will harm themselves if they're angry. May it be with thierself, or somebody else, or even an event which has infuriated them. And they will take out the built up rage on themselves instead of causing harm to others. This isn't smart. Do not hurt yourself in rage. But I'm not saying harm others either. If you really need to vent, hit a pillow. Or get something else which you can kick/beat/savage the shit out of. Causing yourself harm might make you reget if you go too far and make it fatal. Just think, okay?

*Self-loathing - This could also fit in with Anger. Some people just completely despise thierselves. Hate almost everything, or absolutely everything about them. So, they vent thier sorrow upon thierselves. By self-harm. They could worry and think they're not good enough for anything, sobbing, in the corner, shredding thier legs up with sharp nails. They could growl at the image of thierselves and punch the mirror and chew thier lips till they bleed, or cut the hell out of thier arms like paper. You shouldn't hate yourself. There is nobody on this whole entire earth who is perfect. Everyone has pros and cons. Your not just all pro. Or con. Your a chunk of both. As is everybody else. Don't hate yourself. Go out, show everything you got and have fun.

Life's for living.

</ philosophising >